Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
