I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
