Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
