Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
