ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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