Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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