She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
