I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My feet surprised me
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