Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
