Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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