Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
