Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
