Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
