Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
