i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
