There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
