I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
