When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wish you could order shots online.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
