nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize