so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
