I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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