You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
two words...techno handjob
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
