Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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