im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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