How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
