Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
