I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
