hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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