He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
