and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
