Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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