This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
