I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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