Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
