I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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