Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
