I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
