no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
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