Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
