I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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