we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
