i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
