don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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