too bad you live with your parents still
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Who died my cat blue again?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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