I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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