Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
