just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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