hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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