I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
