I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
