swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
