I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize