I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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