i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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