First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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