you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
