What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
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