I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize