I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
sarcasm needs its own font
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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