Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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