I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
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