i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
